A few months ago, a friend invited me to try salsa lessons. My daughter and I joined and it was So. Fun. and So. Hard. I generally feel like I have a sense of rhythm but when the music was fast, the lights were flashing, my experienced dance partner was leading and I was unsuccessfully trying to remember how to follow … it was overwhelming.
Because my steps were out of sync the dance represented more of a trippy chaotic disaster. My dance partner said, “Look at me, not your feet,” which proved to help me attune to the non-verbal cues rather than anticipate them, restoring some semblance of rhythm and regulation. 90% of the night I declined invitations to dance and chose to watch those who have been dancing for years who could guide, follow, and improvise making the dance look effortless. I have a whole new appreciation for all styles of partnered dancing and the nuance required to be in sync, carefully listening to and trusting the non-verbal cues, playing off the improv of each partner that makes the dance appear effortless. In reality, it takes work and repeated practice.
It makes me think of the phrase “it takes two to tango” and how it gets misused in the context of relational health or unhealth. It indeed takes two to tango assuming both partners are dancing in sync, in cooperation, attuned to each other, listening, responding, allowing, gently asking for a step here and a twirl there with only non-verbal communication.
The trouble is when folks see a broken relationship and suggest “well, it takes two to tango” they are not taking into consideration that it only takes one partner to step out of sync to ruin the dance leaving the other unable to tango no matter how hard he/she works re-engage.
Healthy relationships recognize that sometimes the relationship gets out of sync, but the partners take the time to self-reflect and take ownership for how they’re showing up. Maybe they seek support to get the steps better together through couples therapy. Maybe they ask for time to reorient and explore their own impact of the relationship individually. But when one partner doesn’t or won’t take ownership for their own mis-steps, the relationship cannot be restored - not because “it takes two” but because the one has become unwilling or unable to learn how to restore their own steps and get back in sync with the dance. I see this in the form of chronic defensiveness, blame-shifting, gaslighting, and avoidance. The only answer is self-ownership for your part of the dance.
Do you need support in your relationship? How are you impacting the dynamics of your relational dance? Are you uncertain if support as a couple vs. as an individual is the best path in this season? I love working with individuals and couples to either restore your dance or discern needed changes in the relational patterns where the steps have become chronically out of sync. Reach out HERE to schedule a consult if you’d like to explore working together!
Stay gentle 💛.